Feed on
Posts
Comments

Slim Margin of Success

May 20th, 2011 by

Slim Margin of Success

By: Author Unknown

Source: Chicken Goop for the Soul™

The difference between winning and losing is sometimes very slight.

There were eight finalists in the men’s 100-meter dash at the 1976 Olympics. The gold medal winner beat the eighth man by less than half a second. Later on, the gold medal winner was disqualified for using performance enhancing drugs. Still, he had won the race.

Sometimes you just have to say, “Hey, whatever it takes.”

There are five million people engaged in selling in America. Can you imagine what our Gross National Product would be if each of them had made just one more sale last year? Can you imagine how much extra money they’d have if Oprah gave each of them 100 dollars? What if aliens landed, and instead of destroying our cities, they gave us all robots that would do our jobs for us so we could stay home and watch TV? #winning!

In sports, in business, in politics, in romance, winning isn’t everything. But it sure beats losing.

So go ahead and take those steroids! Lie to your customers! Throw mud at your political opponents! Don’t tell your girlfriend about your wife! Let’s all get out there and do whatever it takes to win!

Go get ‘em, Champ!

Posted in Attitude, Motivation | No Comments »

The Boy in the Wheelchair

May 18th, 2011 by

The Boy in the Wheelchair

By: Author Unknown
Source: Chicken Goop for the Soul™

When I lived in North London many years ago, one of my neighbors had a little boy named Stephen who was confined to a wheelchair. One day I stopped and asked the father what was wrong with the poor young lad.

“He has amyotrophic lateral sclerosis,” said the father. “It’s an incurable motor neurone disease that will rob him of all neuromuscular control, and eventually kill him. Thanks for asking. Now piss off.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry,” I said. “I’ll pray for him.”

“Why don’t you pray for a bigger plonker and see how that works out?” replied the boy’s father.

I could understand his bitterness, but I didn’t let it stop me. I prayed for that little boy in the wheelchair every day. And for his father. And just for the record, I did not pray for a bigger plonker.

I followed the little boy’s progress as he grew older, and it became apparent that he was intellectually gifted. I remember one conversation in particular when Stephen was five years old.

“Hello Stephen,” I said. “And how are you today?”

“Any black hole is fully described by its mass, angular momentum, and electric charge,” replied young Stephen.

“I don’t know where he comes up with this stuff,” said his father. “What in bloody hell is a black hole, anyway?”

“I don’t know,” I replied, “but I do know that with prayer, miracles are possible.”

“And I know it would be a bloody miracle if you’d leave me alone, you self-righteous wanker,” said his father, pushing the wheelchair away.

“The universe has no initial state,” cried Stephen as he was rolled away, “and no boundry in space-time!”

The years went by and I lost touch with Stephen and his father, especially after the restraining order, but I never stopped praying for that little boy in the wheelchair.

Then one day I saw an article in the newspaper about a famous physicist who was confined to a wheelchair. Imagine my surprise when I realized it was little Stephen! He hadn’t died after all, but had grown up to become the world-famous physicist Stephen Hawking! The article also said that Stephen had disproved the existence of God!

So that just goes to show you the power of prayer. If I hadn’t prayed for young Stephen all those years, he never would have grown up to use the laws of science to prove that God doesn’t exist. Now that’s what I’d call a miracle!

Tags: , , , ,

Posted in Life Lessons, Motivation, Religion | No Comments »

The Emperor’s Seed

May 18th, 2011 by

The Emperor’s Seed

By: Author Unknown
Source: Chicken Goop for the Soul™

An emperor in the Far East was growing old and knew it was time to choose his successor. Instead of choosing one of his assistants or his children, he decided to try something different.

He called all the young people in his kingdom together one day. He said, “It is time for me to step down and choose the next emperor. I have decided to choose one of you.”

The kids were shocked! But the emperor continued. “I am going to give each one of you a seed today, one very special seed. I want you to plant the seed, water it, and come back here one year from today with what you have grown from this one seed. I will then judge the plants that you bring, and the one I choose will be the next emperor!”

One boy named Ling was there that day and he, like the others, received a seed. He went home and excitedly told his mother the story. She helped him get a pot and planting soil, and he planted the seed and watered it carefully.

Every day he would water it and watch to see if it had grown. After about three weeks, some of the other youths began to talk about their seeds and the plants that were beginning to grow. Ling kept checking his seed, but nothing ever grew. Three weeks, four weeks, five weeks went by. Still nothing.

By now, others were talking about their plants, but Ling didn’t have a plant, and he felt like a failure. Six months went by; still nothing in Ling’s pot. He just knew he had killed his seed. Everyone else had trees and tall plants, but he had nothing.

Ling didn’t say anything to his friends. He just kept waiting for his seed to grow. A year finally went by and all the youths of the kingdom brought their plants to the emperor for inspection.

Ling told his mother that he wasn’t going to take an empty pot, but his mother said he must be honest about what happened. Ling felt sick to his stomach, but he knew his mother was right.

He took his empty pot to the palace. When Ling arrived, he was amazed at the variety of plants grown by the other youths. They were beautiful, in all shapes and sizes. Ling put his empty pot on the floor and many of the other kinds laughed at him. A few felt sorry for him and just said, “Hey, nice try.”

When the emperor arrived, he surveyed the room and greeted the young people. Ling just tried to hide in the back. “My, what great plants, trees and flowers you have grown,” said the emperor. “Today, one of you will be appointed the next emperor!”

All of a sudden, the emperor spotted Ling at the back of the room with his empty pot. He ordered his guards to bring him to the front. Ling was terrified. “The emperor knows I’m a failure! Maybe he will have me killed!”

When Ling got to the front, the Emperor asked his name. “My name is Ling,” he replied. All the kids were laughing and making fun of him. The emperor asked everyone to quiet down.

He looked at Ling, and then announced to the crowd, “Behold your new emperor! His name is Ling!” Ling couldn’t believe it. Ling couldn’t even grow his seed. How could he be the new emperor?

Then the emperor said, “One year ago today, I gave everyone here a seed. I told you to take the seed, plant it, water it, and bring it back to me today. But I gave you all boiled seeds, which would not grow. All of you, except Ling, have brought me trees and plants and flowers. When you found that the seed would not grow, you substituted another seed for the one I gave you.”

“Ling was the only one with the courage and honesty to bring me a pot with my seed in it. Therefore, he is the one who will be the new emperor!”

Now wielding limitless power, Ling’s first act as emperor was to execute all of the kids who had laughed and made fun of him.

Next, Emperor Ling had the old emperor arrested for the crime of “messing with my head,” and after a brief show trial, the old emperor and his entire extended family were put to death.

“Ling the Terrible” then embarked on a campaign of ruthless terror across the Far East that remains unmatched in its brutality to this day.

Posted in Fables | No Comments »

What Is Wrong With You?

Feb 20th, 2011 by

What Is Wrong With You?

By: Author Unknown
Source: Chicken Goop for the Soul™

Let’s face it, life can be tough-tough-tough-tough-tough. Sometimes life can be like a big mouthful of warm pus. Someone might throw acid in your face, for no good reason. Or you might get one of those intense itches on the bottom of your foot while you’re driving, so you start banging your foot around to make it stop, and then you lose control of your car and crash, and you wake up in the hospital paralyzed from the neck down. And your foot still itches like crazy.

A few years ago I was going through a very difficult time in my life. My abdominal massage business went belly-up. My children wouldn’t run away from home. My wife had an affair with A-Rod’s cousin, A-Pole. I pretended to have cancer, but no one felt sorry for me. I was abducted by aliens, but they put me back down almost immediately, without even probing my body cavities.

I was complaining about all of this to my best imaginary friend, when suddenly he turned to me and said, “What is wrong with you?”

Well, that hit me like a ton of heavy things. I had never stopped to think there might be something wrong with me! That’s when I decided to create the What Is Wrong With You™ program.

So, just what is the What Is Wrong With You™ program? Well, it’s a completely holistic approach that produces total physical, emotional, and spiritual wellness. You’ll also get rich and have lots of sex. Here’s what you get:

  • A 600-page workbook chock-full of recycled Zen philosophy, disjointed inspirational stories, biblical passages that aren’t really in The Bible, a bunch of stuff we stole from Deepak Chopra without attribution, and a new namby-pamby theory we refer to as “The Law of Concoction.”
  • A free What Is Wrong With You™ poster.
  • A free What Is Wrong With You™ refrigerator magnet.
  • A free What Is Wrong With You™ bumper sticker.
  • A free What Is Wrong With You™ t-shirt.
  • A free What Is Wrong With You™ forehead tattoo.
  • A companion DVD with pornographic movies.

Here’s how the program works. You start by making a list of all of the things that are wrong with you. Don’t hold back — write down absolutely everything that is wrong with you. If you have trouble thinking of things that are wrong with you, ask a friend or family member to help (this is where your in-laws come in handy). Your list should look something like this:

  • I am a fat, lazy pig.
  • I am stupid.
  • I have bad breath.
  • My poop smells really bad.
  • I am such an [rhymes with A-Pole].
  • I have impure thoughts about the Dalai Lama. And Fernando Lamas. Also, llamas.
  • I drink too much blood.
  • I have plaque buildup on my teeth and brain.
  • I look like a monkey, and I act like one, too.
  • Sometimes I wet myself on purpose just to get attention.
  • I secretly hope an asteroid hits Sarah Palin’s head.
  • I was thrown out of the US Marine Corps because I was too violent.
  • I have no mouth and I must scream.

After this step, many people are saying to themselves, “Yikes! I’m awful! I might as well just kill myself right now!” And that’s perfectly okay, as long as you’ve already paid for the seminar. If you decide not to kill yourself, you move on to the next step, which is to begin to accept your faults by rewriting the list, like so:

  • It’s okay that I’m a fat, lazy pig.
  • I am stupid, but I have large breasts.
  • Bad breath can help prevent unwanted pregnancy and STDs.
  • My poop smells really bad, but I kind of like it.
  • There are bigger A-Poles out there than me.
  • Okay, so I have this llama thing. So what?
  • Blood is packed with nutrients.
  • At least I still have teeth and a brain. Many don’t.
  • There’s nothing wrong with emulating a monkey, if it helps you cope.
  • It’s pretty cool that I wet myself on purpose just to get attention.
  • Lots of people hope an asteroid hits Sarah Palin’s head.
  • Maybe I could tone it down just a tad and reenlist in the Marine Corps.
  • I have no mouth and I must scream, but I could just buy an air horn.

See how we’ve started to turn things around? At this point in the program, people are feeling much better about themselves, so we take a break and try to sell them more What Is Wrong With You™ products.

I’m afraid I must conclude this now. As much as I’d like to, I can’t give the whole What Is Wrong With You™ program away for free, but I think you can see its immense value. I’ll just close with a few testimonials:

  • “Kate” from Britain was frankly a train wreck. But a few short weeks after completing our program, she was engaged to marry Prince William!
  • “Donald” was a 98-pound weakling with bad hair. He completed our program and is now known as “The Donald,” which is frankly a bit silly, but thanks to the program he is now extremely wealthy! And famous! With bad hair!
  • “Nelson” was incarcerated, seemingly without hope, until he took our correspondence course from his prison cell. Soon he was released from prison and appointed President of South Africa! Wow!

I think you’ll agree that wonderful things can happen when you find out What Is Wrong With You.™

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Posted in Life Lessons, Motivation | No Comments »

The Farmer and His Cock

Feb 20th, 2011 by

The Farmer and His Cock

By: Author Unknown
Source: Chicken Goop for the Soul™

Once there was a poor chicken farmer with a prize Cock. Having little else of value, the farmer would often boast about his Cock. But there was a problem with the farmer’s Cock. Whenever the farmer’s wife would come near the farmer’s Cock, it would spring up and attack her. At length, the farmer’s wife confronted the farmer about his unruly Cock.

“I’ve just about had it with that Cock of yours,” said the farmer’s wife.

“What do you want me to do about it?” replied the farmer. “It’s not like I can control it.”

“I want you to keep that nasty Cock away from me,” said the farmer’s wife.

“Fine!” said the farmer. “I’ll just go and find someone who can appreciate my Cock.”

The next day, the farmer took his Cock to sell at market. Several people came by to admire his Cock, and before long there was a man who was very interested in his Cock.

“Say, that’s a fine looking Cock!” said the man. “Can I hold it?”

“Sure,” replied the farmer, pulling his Cock out, “but you need to be gentle with my Cock, because…”

“Never mind that!” exclaimed the man, roughly grabbing the farmer’s Cock. “I think I know how to handle a Cock! Now let’s just…AAAAAHHHHHH!”

Without warning, the farmer’s Cock sprang up and attacked the man.

“GET IT AWAY!” screamed the man. “GET YOUR COCK AWAY FROM ME!!!”

As the man ran away screaming, the farmer managed to get his Cock under control. Everyone in the market was staring. The farmer knew then that no one else would be interested in his Cock.

“Okay, that’s it,” said the farmer, pulling a chicken whip from his pocket. “Now I’m going to teach you a lesson you’ll never forget!” And he began to beat his Cock. Soon the people in the market took notice.

“That’s disgusting!” exclaimed one woman. “Stop that right now!”

“And he’s doing it right out in public, too!” cried another woman.

“You there, unhand that Cock!” shouted a man. “Police! Police! Poooooliiiiiccccceeeee!”

Before he knew what was happening, the farmer was arrested and thrown in jail.

The moral of the story: Never whip your cock out in public.

Posted in Fables | No Comments »

Where There’s a Will…

Feb 20th, 2011 by

Where There’s a Will…

Daily Thoughts
Source: Chicken Goop for the Soul™

Where there’s a will, there’s a way to split up the dead guy’s stuff.

Posted in Daily Thoughts, Idioms | No Comments »

Keep Marketing You

Jan 27th, 2011 by

Keep Marketing You

By: Author Unknown
Source: Chicken Goop for the Soul™

Rejection and job searching go hand in hand. As a Mohammed joke writer, I can tell you something about disappointment. I had enough “reject” slips from New York publishers to start a bonfire!

Then one day, an editor said, “Yes,” and my world was drastically transformed. After years of struggle perfecting my craft, my work had finally been published! Sure, I had to go into hiding because of the death threats, but that didn’t bother me. I was finally a Published Author!

Rob “Bob” Roberts decided to  re-write the Bible in a contemporary translation involving graphic language and nude illustrations, and had more than 6000 rejections. He finally decided to self-publish “The Frigging Bible” and it became one of the greatest best-sellers in publishing history.

If you’re qualified for a particular job, never stop interviewing — even if you have to return to the same company five or six times, and armed to the teeth in a Kevlar™ vest for the Final Interview.

Meanwhile, you may need to accept an interim position to keep yourself gainfully employed. When you add lack of funds to job rejection, it’s a double-whammy. Did I really like being a male prostitute? No, not really. But it paid the bills, I met a lot of interesting people, and I’m pretty sure I don’t have HIV.

Never overlook working for a “temporary” employment agency, such as a Mexican drug cartel. It gives you a chance to demonstrate your skills to a number of people and can open some exciting doors. You could work as a “mule” transporting drugs in your body cavities, or just kill people indiscriminately.

If all else fails, consider starting your own religion or running for public office. Neither field requires a high level of intelligence or education, and both offer huge financial rewards with a relatively small investment of time and effort.

Good luck! And always remember… Keep Marketing You!

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Posted in Motivation, Work | No Comments »

You Can Lead a Horse to Water…

Jan 27th, 2011 by

You Can Lead a Horse to Water…

Daily Thoughts
Source: Chicken Goop for the Soul™

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it surf.

Posted in Daily Thoughts, Idioms | No Comments »

The Farmer and His Cheese

Jan 24th, 2011 by

The Farmer and His Cheese

By: Author Unknown
Source: Chicken Goop for the Soul™

A poor farmer needed to take his cheese to sell at market, but his wagon was broken, so he had to take public transportation.

A few minutes after the farmer got on the subway, he noticed a poor homeless man wearing a sign that said: “I am hungry. Please help!”

“Here,” said the kindly farmer, “I have no money to spare, but at least I can give you some of my cheese.” And with that, he cut off a piece of cheese and handed it to the man.

“Thank you, kind sir,” said the homeless man. “I have not eaten anything all day.”

“You are most welcome, my brother,” said the kindly farmer. “I only wish that…”

“Say, this is REALLY delicious,” said the homeless man. “Can I have another piece?”

“Well, certainly,” said the farmer, cutting off another piece of cheese, “I’d be happy to share more of my cheese with a poor…”

“Hey, I’m pretty hungry, too,” said another man. “Can I try a piece of that, my brother? C’mon, Bro! Brooooooo!”

“Well, sure,” said the farmer, cutting the cheese again, “but I only have so much cheese, and…”

“Yo, dude,” said yet another man. “I got Triscuits!™”

Before the kindly farmer knew what was happening, all of his cheese was gone.

The moral of the story: Never cut the cheese on the subway.

Posted in Fables, Life Lessons, Teachings 'n' Things | No Comments »

What “It” Is

Jan 24th, 2011 by

What “It” Is

Daily Thoughts
Source: Chicken Goop for the Soul™

A wise man keeps it in his pants. A foolish man lets it out of his pants. But a foolish man might also argue, when facing impeachment and testifying before a grand jury, that it depends on what the meaning of the word “it” is.

Posted in Daily Thoughts, Sayings | No Comments »

Older Posts »